Tom has four more weeks before he defends his PhD. About two weeks ago we had a “talk” about how that required him to sacrifice everything to write his dissertation in time. It all boiled down to the fact that he could schedule an hour and a half around dinner time to spend with Scotland and I. I’m an independent woman, and I took it all in stride. I’d be fine, I thought. Well the first two weeks didn’t pan out so hot. My first approach was to simply try to ignore Tom. That way he could do his thing, I could do mine. I immersed myself in all things Scotland letting him fill in the void that Tom’s absence had created. But a baby can’t. I love Tom, he’s my best friend, and I LOVE spending time with him. His sudden absence was really hard on me. I kept trying to shrug it off, thinking “I’m fine.” Silent tensions rose, and finally Tom asked me why. Finally, I had the chance to make sense of all the emotions building up inside of me. It felt good to have all that stress explained. But things couldn’t change, if we want Tom to return to Med school in July he really does have to spend every available hour writing. Last weekend, I asked how I could help. He responded as he usually does, “Kjirsti you’re wonderful just keep doing what you’re doing.” But when I demanded he think of something, he said, “Well, it would really help if you weren’t stressed. I know that my stress tends to stress you out, which further stresses me out. So, do whatever you need to do to stay calm and reassuring. Schedule a massage if you need, make sure you do yoga everyday- I guess that would help.” This was said in a certain amount of jest- “schedule a massage!” I wish! But it was just what I needed to hear. I needed to feel helpful.

Now I’m taking a new approach and it’s working wonderfully. Instead of ignoring Tom, I think about him constantly, wondering how I can make things easier for him at home, how I can help him feel confident, how I can calm his stress. As a result, cleaning the house, making dinner, and taking care of errands are all gifts. I feel involved and helpful. I understand for the first time what it means when a couple says “We got a PhD. . .” Some tasks really do take the cooperation of the whole family. In “The Hemingway Book Club of Kosovo,” Paula Huntley describes how to Albanian Kosovars education is a family affair. They don’t go off to college for their own prestige and money making opportunities- but rather because doing so will allow them to go back and take care of their family. As I read this, I thought. Tom’s PhD and later med school and residency are going to have to be family affairs. It doesn’t work when he does his thing and I do mine. Yes, it’s good to be independent, and to have one’s own interests. But we are much happier when we conquer these huge tasks together. Tom has often voiced sympathy that I have gotten the raw end of the deal. That I joined the relationship after he had already set his mind on Medicine. I had no choice in the matter, and yet that very decision will dictate so heavily how our life plays out. As a result, Tom has always been supportive of my pursuing anything I desire, never asking more sacrifice then is absolutely essential. In my own selfishness, I have taken much and offered little. As a result, these past few weeks have come as a bit of a shock. Tom’s complete absorption, out of necessity, in his dissertation has at times left me feeling abandoned. Alone with my baby. How grateful I am for Tom’s inspired words that have helped me turn 180 and see how essential I am in his success, our success. Strangely enough, I feel less like the “desperate housewife” now, when I am spending more time serving him, than I did a few weeks ago, when I spent my time trying to live so independent of him. Yet again, the gospels teachings ring true: “For this cause shall a [woman] leave [her] father and mother, and cleave to [her husband]; and they twain shall be one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.” (Mark 10: 7-9) When Tom and I were sealed in the temple, we were just that, “sealed,” united for eternity. Our happiness and the happiness of our marriage depends on our ability to maintain that seal, not separate it. The more ways we can find to support and sustain one another the stronger our marriage will be.

I admire Tom’s desire to serve the world through medicine and research. His love for challenge and desire to solve hard problems makes him the ideal man to address issues in health care today. I hope I can always support him in this noble pursuit, just as he always supports me.