I’ve been reading “Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelsen. It’s a spectacular parenting book, with LOTS of great ideas. I’ve been trying to implement her suggestions, and I’ve seen a real change in Scotland and I’s relationship, and in my view of motherhood. Here’s a few things that have really struck me:

• Why do we feel like in order to help a child do better, we have to make them feel worse?

She is particularly against lecturing, and piggybacking on natural consequences (saying I told you so, or lecturing after a child has already experienced the consequence of his choice.) I hate when people say “I told you so,” so why do it all the time to my son?

• Analyzing the long term effects of various parenting choices. Harsh punishments are effective in the short term- but what are the long term consequences? Deceased self-esteem, poor problem solving skills, approval-junkie tendencies?

She strongly encourages teaching problem solving skills. When a child makes a mistake- flip it onto the child to figure out a solution/resolution. She mentions that for children who are used to lectures they will most likely say “I don’t know.” (Ah, man! What do you think Scotland always says. . .)

• If a child, especially a toddler, is “misbehaving” a lot, take it as a cue that they need more teaching. Then wait for a non-hostile time when you know you can teach with kindness and respect.

It occurred to me that for some children those teaching moments might happen most successfully while playing with your child. I’ve been surprised by how effective role playing with dinosaurs can be to teach kind communication. I’m also learning the power of waiting until I’m calm to address issues. I’m still practicing staying calm in the heat of the moment. She suggests leaving the situation, “I’m going to leave you be now. I’ll be happy to talk to you again when we can do so kindly and with respect.”

• Say what you are going to do.

You can’t force your child. Or perhaps you shouldn’t force your child. I have a strong belief in the pivotal role choice and accountability has in the purpose of our earth life. I believe that before we came to earth there was a counsel in Heaven. Two plans were presented, one by Satan to secure us all to heaven by not giving us choice, and the other by Christ to give us our agency, but also provide an Atonement so that when we repent we can be forgiven, and thereby also return to Heaven. This belief, makes parenting more challenging, but also more uplifting. My job is to teach my sons how to make good choices,  and to teach them to know what choices are good by allowing them to experience natural consequences.

• Winning children over means gaining their willing cooperation.

Find ways to “need” Scotland. Work together not against each other.  When I’m doing something instead of saying “Not right now. . . in a minute, say “I’m watering right now, would you like to help me?!”

• Show empathy.

My mom raised us kids to be tough. When we fell down, her typical reaction was “You’re okay, rub it out!” I’m grateful for this. My siblings and I are tough, resilient, and have high pain-tolerance. On the flip side, I also feel less empathetic, sensitive and understanding as I would like to be. I’ve been working on this lately, and I’ve been surprised at the results. When Scotland falls and starts crying, if I say “Oo! Ouch, that looks like it hurt. Are you okay.” He looks at me with a smile of appreciation, and says, “Yeah, I’m okay!” When he complains that something is too hard, or too long, instead of ” Too bad, deal with it.” I say, “I can imagine this feels like it’s taking forever. I used to hate long car rides when I was a kid too. . .”

• Humiliation violates the basic concept of mutual respect.

It’s easy to treat children like some sort of lesser being. Not listening to their opinions, making constant demands, and not respecting their needs and desires.

• Always ask: “Is what I’m doing empowering or discouraging?”
• Establish an atmosphere where mistakes are viewed as an opportunity to learn.

I don’t want to train my children to fear failure. I want them to learn from it and move on.

• Solve problems with them, not for them.

Just like anything, a little study has significantly improved my parenting over the past few weeks. It’s funny because I had a real upswing in positive parenting after reading the first couple chapters a couple of months ago, and then things headed south. I picked up the book, refreshed and read some more, and again my parenting has improved. I guess like anything, consistency is key! I’ll keep the book at my bedside.