I haven’t been blogging much lately. Too often at the end of the day when I would normally blog I decide to instead hang out with Tom, or the thoughts that are streaming through my head seem too negative to share, or I’m just to fried to write anything meaningful.
I’d say in my current life one of my main struggles is finding pockets of time that are quiet and undistracted enough to really develop thoughts. There used to be nap time, but that has pretty much phased out.
I have a need for new thoughts. I think that’s why I enjoy journalling and blogging so much. It allows me to recognize and flesh out thoughts. Not blogging, for me, is a side effect of a dull mind.
Interestingly, another attribute of this period in my life is that I have more questions then answers. Perhaps listing those here will be as revealing as anything:
-Too often I feel that Scotland and I are competing. That it’s him against me. I believe a higher form of parenting would feel more like we were on the same team. How do I achieve that? The competition style of parenting is exhausting.
-Scotland asks me “Will you play with me?” hundreds of times a day. (Or more recently he’ll say “Will you talk this guy?” Handing me a car, a plastic animal, etc.) Every time he asks I feel guilty. The truth is I rarely want to sit on the floor and “talk this guy” under his strict directions. So I usually sit down and try to gear the play towards what I’d like him to do, “Let’s try these new puzzles!” “Would you like to play this math game?” He rarely wants to. So we both end up frustrated. I’m trying to be better about thinking- let him direct the play for 15 minutes, then perhaps he’ll be willing to switch gears and do what you want to do. This is just an example of the him against me situation. How does one let go of the “to-do list” and fully engage in the imaginative world of their three year old?
-I haven’t tackled a large project in what seems like forever. Tom and I have done a few projects when he’s been home, but I haven’t done much on my own. Most days I believe it when I say “That’s not my priority, it’s more important that I spend quality time with my children.” But days like today I feel frustrated that there are still no frames on the wall, I haven’t planted anything in the back flowerbeds like I’d hoped, I haven’t weeded the garden in forever, I rarely sing anymore, Scotland’s wall is still not finished, I have a deep pile of clothes to be altered/curtains to be hemmed. . . . Even sharing this list publicly sounds pathetic. All of those things are so silly, frivolous.  But the fact is they matter to me. And the fact that week after week they are left undone wears on me. How do I remove the guilt? I can’t tell you how many times I’ll think, I think I’ll spend the day going to the nursery and buying plants, and compost and then gardening- only to think “That’s a waste of time and money. . .” so I’ll putter the day away, cleaning here, playing with the boys there, reading to them, cleaning and putting away. . . feeding the boys.  . until the days is over.” I’ll look out the window the next morning and think the same thing.
-Should I just let go of the notion of keeping clothes “nice” and instead wear my “nice” clothes everyday, knowing full well that they will be stained, ripped, stretched out because of the nature of my job. If I don’t, they just hang in my closet rarely worn. Either way seems wasteful.
-How much time and money is acceptable for compiling/making Halloween costumes?
-Why do I always feel the need to do what is “acceptable?”
-Tom and I have a strict budget. It’s necessary if we are to meet our financial goals. But it is terribly confining. Some months I adhere to it strictly- purchasing nothing other than our needs. Other months I act as if I’m too busy to think about it- all the while feeling guilty for extraneous purchases I make- a shirt for Anders that will bring out his eyes, but that he doesn’t need. The large frames that will better fit our living room walls- even though we have tons of frames that aren’t even hung yet. Tom and I need very little, but we want a lot. How does one justify those feelings, when one knows how frivolous and extraneous those purchases are? I struggle to feel justified in spending money on unnecessary things when I know that every dollar spent on such, is a dollar not saved towards my children’s education. How does one determine what is provident, financially?
-More and more I’m feeling discontent with how I’m managing my life. I’m not as patient, creative, and loving as I’d like to be as a mother. I’m not as involved, serviceable and dedicated as I’d like to be as a YW leader. I’m more critical and uninterested as a spouse. I’m less self disciplined, less passionate, less committed as an individual. Looking at myself from the outside I’m disappointed with my life choices in several ways, and yet I can’t seem to change the trend I’m seeing. Admitting this publicly is embarrassing. I can’t say how many posts I have started along this line, which I have then copied and pasted to my journal. Who wants to read these depressing thoughts. And yet, all mothers feel them. So why not be open. It’s the dismissal of difficult thoughts that leads so many down dark paths of isolation. How can I free myself from negative self-criticism while motivating myself towards higher ways of living?
-I’m naturally uptight. I suppose that’s obvious consider the above writings. However, I don’t seem to know how to live any other way when one’s goal is to improve daily? (I just received my answer, from the spirit: The Atonement. I’m not using the atonement in my life.)
-How does one activate the Atonement in one’s life?
This all sounds terribly negative and defeated. I don’t feel like this all day everyday, usually I feel joyful, ecstatic, alive. But I do feel this way some parts of the day, and I feel its only open and honest to admit. How do you deal with these feelings?